Adjacent

Dear Stanger,

I dug up this little gem I wrote this a few years ago. I poured my heart out in a letter to someone I loved though the letter never saw the light of day after being written. I thought I'd type it up and share it. -

There’s a lot I want to say to you but can’t or rather won’t. I want to be able to say it to your face and for you to not think I’m joking or mean it platonically. I am being honest when I say I think I love you more than just a friend. I don’t know when our flirty banter and us acting like a couple started feeling real. I have no doubt you love me, but you don’t love me love me.

And maybe I’m mistaking platonic feelings for real ones, but all of a sudden, hearing you talk about a guy and how hot he is, how he flirts with you, makes me jealous. Suddenly, I want to hear nothing of your love life, and maybe this makes me a bad friend. I love you. When I hear about what you go through and the thoughts that fill your head, I only want to protect you. I want to tell you how good I can treat you, how loyal I would be to you if only you were mine. I would worship and praise the ground you walk on. You are one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever seen. Out of all of them, you are the one who catches my eyes. The way your hair lays and always smells the same, the way—despite you loving your long hair down—you always wear it up because it gets in the way, I love you.

I love the ends of your hair that you hate because of the way they curl in naturally. I love the beauty marks on your face and arms, the birthmark on your stomach. The way you say what you think. I love how you have a pep in your step when you’re happy. I love the way the corner of your lips shape when you smile. Your smile is one of the things I love most about you. Your smile is so beautiful. I love your eyes. I could stare into them for days. Your eyes are such a beautiful hazel. The way you can see your smile in your eyes entrances me.

I love everything about you; you are what I long for in a person. I so much want to be able to say this to you, but your rejection would be too much for my heart to bear. So I write this in hoping you can feel my love, even though you will never read this. It would be selfish of myself to want to be anything other than friends with you. There is someone in the world perfect for you, someone you will want to be with, and when that happens, I hope I will still be by your side cheering you on because even though I cannot have you, the fact that someone else can have you is enough. And so until then, I will do everything I can to keep you happy. I never want to see your heart break.

I think I found someone in you. You saved me numerous times, some of which you weren’t aware of. Without you, I don’t know if I would be alive. You talked me out of so much with just your presence alone. I want to be that person for you, someone you can rely on in a time of need. It feels as if we are growing out of each other. When you need to talk or vent, you no longer come to me. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I just want us to be how we used to be. I miss you. I miss us, and I love you, whether it has to be platonically or not is enough. I just want you to know I love you as a person, all that you are with my entire heart. I respect and appreciate you. Thank you for being in my life.

It's crazy how feelings come and go. I still have this person in my life, still as a friend. I don't think these feelings ever went away. I think somewhere in me I'm waiting for them though i know I'm waiting for nothing. I'm not torn apart, I'm not heart broken. I'm just adjacent (???)

-Blue